Goku vs. Naruto: The Verdict

blog-art-goku-vs-naruto-finalThe age-old question. The argument that has crossed ashy anime-kid lips, and, in some cases, started actual physical altercations. It is arguably the most discussed “who would win” conversation in all of anime. It is debated so much in fact, and I’ve grown so tired of seeing these two in every ‘anime vs.’ thread on twitter, that my actual taint retracts so far up my anal canal, it tickles the part of my brain that stores memories, and I forget I ever saw it.

My position on the matter is- Why? Why does everyone feel the need to pit these two against each other? Is it because they are the protagonists in two of the most popular anime in the west? Or because they are two of anime’s most memorable names? Perhaps it’s because they are both moguls of the genre, with each respective series, and all of it’s tie-ins, running for well over 10 years. At a frightening grand total of 398 episodes, (not including the aborted fetus in a dumpster fire that was GT)

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ugh.

Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, and Dragon Ball Super‘s numbers pale in comparison to Naruto‘s original run of 220 episodes, and Naruto Shippuden‘s-

jesus fucking christ-

Shippuden’s 491 episodes throughout the entirety of the series. FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETY ONE EPISODES. Forgive me, but that is fucking mental. I’m not watching anything that long. At all. Ever. If a serial killer broke into my home and threatened to execute me in front of my entire family unless I watched all of Naruto from start to finish, including Shippuden, I know I would survive the ordeal, because my attacker would die before I got even half way there.

To be fair, I know I’m being hypercritical, and my personal opinion of these two particular characters in these two particular anime is not one of great respect, but the fact of the matter remains:

If the Protagonist in an anime that is entirely too long is O.P. in the middle of the forest, and Goku isn’t around to fight him, will people watch other anime?

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this ya mans?

The reason I don’t understand people’s obsession with seeing these two duke it out is actually the same reason people find it so fun to talk about. It also happens to be the same reason I think it’s the most boring topic in anime. Coincidentally is also the same reason I can’t seem to get any sleep unless I physically tire myself out from sobbing quietly into my 3-for-$10 pillows from Target. That reason being: they’re O.P. Which, for those of you that don’t know, means over-powered.

Again, I am aware of how relentless my slander of these two is. I am also aware of the fact that in any anime this long, being that each challenge has to be greater than the last for the sake of upping the stakes and keeping the audience engaged, it’s no question that the Protagonist would become the end-all-be-all solution to any and every problem. In that regard, I understand how and why these characters got to be so powerful, but my problem is that after so many episodes, and story arcs, and OVAs, and Feature Length films, seeing the same scenario play out in a different setting against a different villain gets to be inconceivably boring.

“But, Rainey, you like One Punch Man, and he’s O.P.” said the eye-crust connoisseur from the comfort of his pre-cum stained Kamesennin boxers. To which I reply, “I know that, you mouth-breathing cheese wheel.” The case of One Punch Man is different for two significant reason, one being that it’s not 40,675,289,809,461 episodes over the course of 19,000,000,000 millennia, so it’s infinitely easier to watch, start to finish. The second is circumstances of the anime itself.

Saitama is the answer to characters like Goku and Naruto.

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Unlike Naruto and Dragon Ball Z, where we are forced to sit through the Protagonist’s perilous journey from the bottom of the barrel to the peak of their potential, and all the fucking filler in between, One Punch Man starts where the other two end. Saitama is already a God-tier character at the very start. And he knows it. And he’s bored. That’s why nobody pits Saitama against anybody in any kind of vs. scenario. He is literally the One. Punch. Man. That is the genius behind this character and this series.

Goku is a God-tier character. Naruto is a God-tier character. However, it took over 10 years and hundreds of episodes to get there. The back-and-forth between who would win is an argument that will never have a quantifiable answer considering each character’s power. There can never be a clear winner because there are too many factors to consider regarding how, when, and where this hypothetical fight would take place. The worlds are too vast and too different and too overwhelming in their own right to ever throw them against one another.

So what is the final verdict?

Nobody fucking cares. Watch other anime.

Thank you.

Drive Safe.

Are Star Wars Prequel Series and Spin-Offs Necessary?

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A few weeks ago, I asked my H/B compatriot, Ronni, if he had seen Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, being that it made it’s way to the number-one spot in my top three Star Wars movies.  He replied, simply, “I haven’t seen it. But I already know what happens.”

I couldn’t really blame him for feeling that way, but I also can’t help but feel like he is truly missing out. Especially considering how amazing Rogue One was both times I saw it. Even some long time Star Wars fans, who cling to Empire Strikes Back with a remarkably cunty vice grip, couldn’t argue against its brilliance. But while that is true in most cases, some people, including Ronni, feel as though they don’t need to have the same experience, because they already possess the knowledge of what’s to come.

Expanding on events that have already transpired only opens the door to more confusion. Alternatively, expansion also provides closure.

As fair an assessment as that may be, these circumstances are not the same in every instance. For example, one can argue that Clone Wars, the late Cartoon Network series, didn’t really need to happen. But the same argument can be made in its favor, being that there were some more-than-necessary elaborations:

Clone Wars shed light on General Grievous, who didn’t get nearly enough screen time in Revenge of the Sith… but despite being a prime enemy in the series, we know what happens to him.

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General Grievous – Clone Wars

A driving force of the war and the series itself, Clone Wars did them justice where Attack of the Clones spent that time showing us Anakin and Padmé rolling around in grass and riding Shaak beasts. Ugh. Anyway, being my favorite part of the series, the Clones expressed uniformity and individuality with a graceful maturity that was unmatched by even the series’ Jedi. But, again, we know what happens with them eventually. Fuck you, Cody.

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The Clones – Clone Wars

The Phantom Menace himself, Darth Maul, who we were led to believe had met his untimely demise at the hands of a young Obi-Wan Kenobi in Episode I, had his resurgence thanks to Clone Wars. His fate remains to be seen in Rebels.
Savage Opress, the all-around badass fan-favorite. The older brother and equally menacing counterpart to Maul makes his stunning debut in the series… but we know what happens to him.

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Darth Maul and Savage Opress – Clone Wars

Anakin’s apprentice, Ahsoka Tano, who is central to the entire plot, is a catalyst for his struggle with emotion, and his inevitable fall to the Dark Side. His story as a Jedi Knight and war general is beautifully told through Ahsoka’s experiences as his Jedi Padawan. Her fate is still very much up in the air, thanks to Rebels.

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Ahsoka Tano – Clone Wars

My point is, while all of these factors play an important role in making the Star Wars universe more full and immersive, we know what happens to almost all of them. And it’s a tad cruel to make me love these characters only for 90 percent of them to be killed or exiled. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who feels like it wasn’t entirely necessary, and if it was, we didn’t need five seasons of up to 22 episodes per season. Regardless, how I feel about the ever-present filler is immaterial. Clone Wars did what it set out to do, which was answer a slew of questions, but because of the intimidating number of episodes, and the events that transpire in those 100+ episodes, the opposite can also be said, which is where Rogue One differs.

Rogue One was phenomenal and everything about it was absolutely necessary.

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Everyone already knows why Rogue One was necessary; it was meant to answer (arguably) one of the biggest plot holes in movie history: how a galactic space station like The Death Star, with the power to destroy entire planetary systems, had one, single, relatively easily accessible, killswitch.

Rogue One does just that, beautifully. The finale, appropriate to say the least, did a wonderful job of sealing it off right then and there. Dispelling any speculation or confusion before it even had a chance to surface. Rogue One does a perfect job of providing answers and avoiding further questions, which solidifies it’s place in the canon timeline, and it’s necessity overall.

However, none of that changes the fact that we know the fate of the Jedi Order, the Death Star, the Empire, etc. and because of this, a lot of people find it difficult to care for what happens in between. At the end of the day, it’s all a matter of just how much of a Star Wars fan you are. There is no right or wrong answer. A casual fan of the franchise, like Ronni, might not see the necessity in anything beyond the numbered movies, or even the original trilogy. Whereas a more involved fan of Star Wars, such as myself, loves to know the inner machinations of the ever-expanding Star Wars universe.

Basically, what I’m saying is, Ronni, it’s cool if you don’t see Rogue One, but go fucking see Rogue One.

Drive Safe.

Enter the Hearse

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A slow start is a start nonetheless.

The closer Ronni and I get to actually accomplishing this, the more frightening it becomes. Each piece of equipment that we purchase is one small step closer to us actually producing something we can be proud of.
I’m not sure where this is going, or where I want this to go. I can’t speak for Ronni. He can do that himself, being that this website/blog was something to highlight more personal aspects of our experience with this… project? I don’t know. Neither of us have a shred of an idea what we’re doing, and I think I can speak for Ronni in that regard.
What we do know is that we want this to be great. We want you to want to watch us. And we want you to care as much as we do. Having said that, keep in mind that when you’re watching a seemingly pointless video on our YouTube, or you’re listening to one of the many beautifully talented artists we feature on our Bandcamp, or listening to our banter on the podcast on SoundCloud, know that it is with the upmost care and respect that we are approaching all of this.
Know that we want to make this attractive for you. We want you to enjoy what we make as much as we enjoy making it. Everything is a process, and it can get grueling, and I know this is only the beginning of my stress and our worries, but I also know we are wonderful people with a wonderful idea, and with the support of you all, I know we can make Hearse Boys something beautiful.

Thank you so much for your time.

Drive safe.